The Jerry Springer Show

JERRY SPRINGER!!!
*Theme song plays*
Jerry: Welcome, all, to the 100th episode of the Jerry Springer SHOW! BROADCAST LIVE!!!!

Crowd: JERRY JERRY JERRY!

Jerry: *Smiles knowing the ratings are going through the roof* Today on Jerry Springer we are talking to two opposing parties. A rivalry that goes further than the African Americans and the KKK!

Crowd: JERRY JERRY JERRY!!!!

Jerry: Today opening, we have a tragic love triangle, and romances in the midst of this battle. Here with us on the stage is Jesse Raymond. Known from the GUARD as EI-QUE. Does that title sometimes make you feel inadequate to perform mentally?

Ei-Que: *Long silence, a flat expression* No.

Jerry: Well then, is it true because this battle certain mental delusions have been caused by your romance and this War?

Ei-Que: *Again long silence, a flat expression* No, my mind is in perfect working order.

Jerry: Well It says here you told our producers that you claim to be a Telepath, and from what I have gathered you do not express emotion, this was not caused by the War?

Ei-Que: No, though I am a telepath.

Crowd: *They snicker a little while Jerry rubs his forehead*

Jerry: So you are a telepath. *Shifting his weight* I have a bit of... *motioning with one hand* difficulty /believing/ this. Can you show an example?

Ei-Que: *Silence as she looks down for a moment, seeming defeated* Bark like a dog.

Jerry: *He blinks and then promptly starts barking. The crowd is in awe. He stops* That's just the power of suggestion.

Ei-Que: You are a bird.

Jerrry: *He flaps for a while, pecking at the audience, crouching like a pigeon. Jesse gives what seems to be a hint of a smile. Jerry straightens up and fixes his tie, not pushing the point further.* Well. *nervous cough* Is it true that you are between two lovers?

Ei-Que: *She stares out to the audience and simply nods*

Jerry: Well we have those two men back stage with a few surprises! ALAN SOMMERS, Come on in!

Crowd: *CHEERS! Alan is carrying a bouquet of roses. Jesse smiles honestly and as he sits she grasps his hand.*

Jerry: You have no clue why you are here do you, Alan?

Abyss: I have /some/ clue.

Jerry: Well Jesse has a few secrets to divulge to you, but first is it true you told our producers that you are a clone?

Abyss:*He blinks and sits forward* Yeah, what of it?

Jerry: *he reads his cards* And this is due to a recent, shall we say… skirmish… with the GUARD?

Abyss: Yep.

Jerry: *Shaking his head* And your code name is Abyss?

Abyss: *nods* Yeah. *Looking at the man as if he is a total moron.* And before you ask, I can control pressure and NO I won't show you, you *beep*.

Crowd: *Ohhhhhhhs*

Jerry: *He smiles and nods* Oh a question! *hands the mic to a scantily clad woman.*

Woman: Is it Abyss for the emptiness you feel in your heart? You should shoot that beooch to the curb. You can do a lot better than her…

Abyss: *He blinks* What the *beep* are YOU on?

Jerry: *He smiles again* Well, Jesse has a secret she wants to tell you…

Abyss: *looks at Jesse who looks at him, nodding. He blinks and nods grasping her hand tighter, obviously a mental conversation taking place.* Yeah I understand baby… it hurts but I understand…

Jerry: *OBVIOUSLY perplexed, points* Was she using "Telepathy"?

Abyss: *nods* Yeah, she told me all about it. I understand. See I was dead for a while, and when she needed me the most, I simply wasn't there. But I KNOW she loves me… she stayed by my side though some serious *beep*.

Jerry: *Just blinks as he looks to the camera* She's brainwashed him. How tragic. More after these messages..

*COMMERCIAL BREAK*

**Jerry Logo pops up THEME - GUARD VS R.UN.ner the hurt the war has caused... or "You cheating Beocch, I want my life back!"**

Jerry: Ladies and gentleman we're back and back stage we have Aerik, Jesse's other lover.

Crowd: *BOOOOOOOOOOS*

Jerry: Aerik was kept in a sound-proof room this whole time, and has no clue what is happening. Come on out, Aerik!

Crowd: *They ALL hiss and boo*

*Aerik steps out elegantly and simply arches a brow at the crowd. They stop hissing and start cheering. He smiles and nods, sitting next to Alan. Alan nods and they converse*

Abyss: Jerry, he says he wants me to talk for him because he's mute.

Jerry: *He blinks for a moment and nods* Is he a telepath too?

Aerik: *Gives Jerry a VERY flat look*

Abyss: He says you are a congenial idiot, and your soundproof room was a joke, the music left something to be desired, and he heard all that went on anyway, you think too loud.

Jerry: *He blinks* So you know what Jesse has to say, Aerik?

Alan: *looks at Aerik* He says it is somewhat his fault from a barrier he placed on her mind, and an emphasis on feelings towards me. When she reached her potential mental powers, she broke that barrier. He says he does not mind.

Jerry: Of course he doesn't, because here we have AERIK'S LOVER! Come on Out, Nicky!

*Nicky walks out and raises both brows, surprised at the lights. OBVIOUSLY not from this era. He sits and smiles at Aerik who grins fondly. Jesse blinks and glances at Aerik who telepathically explains everything. She finally nods. Nicky seems a bit jealous about their conversation*

Jerry: So Nicky, it's said you helped Aerik with a big and rather embarrassing problem?

Nicky: *He nods a bit and shrugs slightly, looking over at Aerik who, though he also loves Jesse, leans towards his other lover* Yes, and I understand that he and Jesse had a relationship. Before and /while/ living and sleeping with /me/. But he's promised to be faithful from now on and I /know/ he's telling the truth. Besides… it's a mutually beneficial arrangement.

Jerry: Well we have even MORE News… Jesse's OTHER Lover! Yes, folks, three of them!

Ei-Que: *She blinks along with Alan, Aerik AND Nicky, who stare at her, sending a thought equivalent to -SLUT-*

Jerry: Backstage we have Aerik's TWIN, Rikky!

*Ei-Que rapidly blinks as does Aerik and Nicky. Alan looks a bit amused*

Rikky: *Steps out, a replica of Aerik but with vocal chords and shorter hair* I must correct you. I am his clone.

Jerry: *He stares for a moment* Yes, we know twins are cloned at birth…

Rikky: *He glances from Jerry to Aerik* SO. We meet at last...

Jerry: You told our producers that you have a major case of sibling rivalry..

Rikky: I am not of relation to him. I am his clone, sent to learn everything I could about him, and frankly Jerry I do not like what I have learned. *he looks down his nose at Aerik, carrying a superior air*

*Aerik fixes his wide eyes on Rikky, still surprised, Nicky comments quietly about the short hair, Jesse looks totally dumbfounded. Alan is on the floor in a fit of laughter*

*Rikky sits near Aerik, the crowd fully expecting a chair to be thrown, or at least hair to be pulled*

Jerry: Is it true you have feelings for Jesse which are reciprocated, Rikky?

Rikky: I am unsure how to answer that question.

Jerry: Hold on, we have a question from the audience. *Hands the mic to a man*

Man: Um, white-haired dude, next to the purple-haired girl, yeah Alan, right? How do you feel about your woman pimping herself out like this?

Abyss: *Suddenly the man is thrown across the room by unseen hands. The crowd is in awe* We still have to discuss that…

Jerry: *Blinks and turns to the camera * We'll have more after these messages.

*COMMERCIAL BREAK*

*Jerry logo comes back and Jerry grins at the stage full of unnaturals*

Jerry: Welcome back we have another guest on the stage, a Ms. Christopher,

Venin: Please, call me Yvette.

Jerry: Yes Yvette, you live with Alan and Jesse, is that right?

Venin: *Nods slowly and looks on Aerik with disgust* Yeah.

Jerry: Who do you approve of her more for Jesse to be with? Aerik or Alan?

Venin: Aerik knows full well I hate him, so Alan naturally. Though I don't know about this clone guy... *looking at Rikky who smiles at her and waves*

Jerry: And you are also the daughter of the rival group's leader the GUARD?

Venin: *Crosses her legs and nods* I used to be part of the GUARD too, just like Jesse. Is there a point to all this?

Jerry: And you don't like your father very much, do you?

Venin: Not really, but let me guess… he's backstage.

Jerry: Yes, in fact he is! Ian, you Old Scratch, you! Come on out!

*Venin jumps from her seat as does Alan. Aerik just sits glaring at Rikky, who glares right back. Nicky is still in awe of the new technology and keeps watching the cameras.*

Scratch: *He has a bouquet of roses and beneath that a gun* Daughter, why don't you come home?

Venin: Blow it out your... *She blinks seeing the gun, and smiles* You haven't changed a bit.

Scratch: As I see the element of surprise won't work… *Drops the bouquet, brandishing the gun as WARPOLE teleports next to him*

Warpole : *Leering at Abyss* Long time no see…

Abyss: *Growls slightly at Warpole* What, wanna rematch after all? Now you don't have your spiffy telepath. I'll kill you!

*Scratch and Venin are going at it, fist fighting off to the right, as the body guards TRY to break it up. They don't succeed. Jesse gets up and wanders towards Venin, but watching Scratch, Nicky mildly amused by what is going on. Suddenly Rikky and Aerik jump up, glaring daggers at each other*

Jerry: Wait wait wait!! We're not through! Sai Canaan, you have a few words for Aerik here who mercilessly /dumped/ you for Nicky while you were in a coma?

Sai: *comes storming out, claws unsheathed, fangs bared* Yeah! You're /such/ a bastard Aerik! *Lightning crackles around his half-gloved fingers and his spear-staff. Aerik raises his brows and looks over. Rikky mimics his actions*

Jerry: And Aerik's not the only one with a double! Zakai, you have words for Rikky, the man who ruthlessly attacked your mother, Yvette, and carted her back to the GUARD HeadQuarters?

Zakai: *stalks out of the back, livid and ready to kill, swathed in blue lightning* Yeah! You're /such/ a bastard, Rikky! *Both Rikky and Aerik shift eyes to rest on Zakai, then back to Sai, and again to Zakai*

Rikky: *muttered* ….oh hell. *Aerik seems to agree. Nicky starts edging for the exit*

Abyss: *Glances over at Venin and Scratch fighting, waves Warpole away* Later man, bigger fish to put the squeeze play on.

Warpole: *Watches dejectedly as his opponent goes elsewhere. Starts to whine, scuffing the floor with his boot* Why am /I/ always left out? Why won't anyone fight /me/?? *he sulks under the only chair not smashed into little pieces by now*

Jerry: *He adjusts his glasses and stares at the camera… then looking at WARPOLE* See what this war has done to jade our youth? We'll be back after these messages..

*COMMERCIAL BREAK*

*Jerry Logo pops back and Jerry sits back on a chair with a doofy grin on his face…*

Gild in illusion as Jerry: Hiya guys and gals.. M'here hosting the Jerry Springer LIVE Show.. Hey does this mean it's really live? *he waves.. the camera man sits there rather shocked, as a ruckus continues in the back ground. Mark pops up and makes several obscene gestures to the camera and drags Sonic into it too.*

Mark: Oh Jerry! Can you help me? I am so in love with this man here.. *holding Sonic tightly as his cigarette smoke gets in Sonic's eyes*

Gild in illusion as Jerry: Oh man, That's just sick! But what does Sonic have to say? *handing the mic over to Sonic*

Sonic : Get off, prep! *gagging and waving to the camera *

Mark : *pushes him out of the way to wave more.. as a security Guard wanders over and asks him to put out the cigarette* Dude, what the hell you gonna do, arrest me?

*Jerry snatches the mic from Gild illusion as Jerry, the illusion falls as he smiles and flips the bird*

Jerry : Damned punks, get them outta here… *blinking realizing the camera is still on* Welcome back to the Jerry Springer Show where… aw hell... Next up we have… Aerik's cousin ... Whitefyre…

*Whitefyre steps out from backstage, glaring at Aerik, then blinking at Rikky, and back again, eyes narrowed*

Whitefyre: I have a /bone/ to pick with you, cousin!

*Aerik's brows raise. Jerry frowns*

Jerry: Okay, says here, that you, Lyeth, which is your real name, yes? Says Aerik put you into a coma when he betrayed you to get his new body. *Jerry scratches his head* Explains why there's no similarity…

Whitefyre: Yes, Jerry, that's right. Mr. Jerkface here betrayed me /and/ Lil just for that dumb body of his. Tore my mind up something /fierce/. It took Leanne months to heal me. Then he does this to Sai! *she folds her arms and glares viciously as Aerik* How can you hurt Sai like that?? He's a wonderful guy!

*Aerik stares flatly at her, some kind of telepathic exchange happening. Lyeth abruptly throws up her hands in disgust*

Whitefyre: Oh, puh-/lease/! You made his life a living hell, butthead. And you don't even remember, do you? Well, /I/ read his journal. And I'd never treat Sai that way. /I'd/ treat him /right/.

*Aerik suddenly smirks, eyes narrowing pointedly at his cousin*

Whitefyre: Yes, I freely admit it! I /like/ him. Okay?

Sai: *Pausing in his rage to blink over at Lyeth* /Like/ me..? You mean… friend like or /like/ like?

Whitefyre: *blushing* Well, um… that is… uh… /like/ like. You know… /like/. Yer cute… *she trails off as Aerik rolls his eyes, sneering, and Sai simply blinks at her repeatedly*

Jerry: And folks that's not all to quench the flames... we have, straight from Japan, Waterweird... *handing the mic to the baffled Japanese man.* I heard you had the essential key to putting a stop to this madness.

Waterweird : *just looks at it then up at Jerry… then back to the mic* …Nani?

Crowd: *totally in shock, not sure if this is fake or real, most are quiet, some are making hasty egresses*

Jerry: And… it seems we have some late-comers here, folks. A young man named Blackdagger… James, come on out.

Blackdagger: *he walks out briskly, glaring totally at Yvette and Old Scratch* Back off! Get the hell away from her! …./Sir/. *Yvette and Scratch raise brows and glance over at James*

Jerry: Says here you have something to say to Yvette, James?

Blackdagger: *He nods and takes in a breath* Yeah. Yeah, I do. Yvette… I - I love you and want to help you escape the GUARD forever. *he looks at Scratch* Sorry, sir.

*Scratch straightens and glares. Yvette cocks her head to the side, eyes wide*

Scratch: Touch my daughter and I'll break both your legs, boy!

Yvette: Daddy, hush! *she has a starry look in her eyes as she gazes on Blackdagger* Oh, James! I love you, too! *both gallop to eachother, arms outstretched, for an embrace*

Zakai: Oh, /gag/ me! *he makes gagging motions and sounds, Geoff stares in shock, and soon joins Zakai*

Gild: This is making me sick! I'm gonna puke!

Mark: That's so sweet. I think I'm gonna get cavities. *he makes a face at the two hugging like some horribly cheesy movie ending, and shakes his head*

Scratch: SICK? You want /sick/? You two pervs! You're related... like as in brother and sister?? *Scratch wrinkles his nose in disgust*

Jerry: *he blinks, eyes wide* Oh, this just gets better and better by the moment!

*Collective gasp of revulsion from Gild, Zakai and Mark, not to mention the others listening. What's left of the crowd leans in, shocked, murmurs sweeping through the audience*

Dayre: *she leaps out from backstage, leaving Jerry to quickly search his notes on whom /this/ one is* Get away from him! *she powers up, glaring at Yvette and Blackdagger* He's mine, you /inbreeder/!

*Jerry's eyes are wide as he watches Yvette and Dayre start to go at eachother, Blackdagger and Scratch hardly daring to get between these two. Hair begins to fly and the screech of the girls', not unlike the howls of angered cats, fills the stage*

Jerry: Um, Yvette and... James? Didn't you hear your... *pauses and casts a glance at Scratch* Father? You two are um... hey, that's illegal... Blackdagger, /please/, go with the... whoseherface. The blonde. For the sake of the gene pool!

*Warpole looks up from under his chair and scowls deeply at Dayre*

Warpole: …hey…! But… but /I/ like you, Dayre! *she doesn't seem to hear him and he goes back to sulking and muttering foul words under his breath*

*Sai and Lyeth have sidled up closer to eachother, Lyeth still blushing, Aerik narrowly watching both, Zakai and Rikky exchanging heated words and looks, Ei-Que holding back from the girlfight, Scratch and Abyss squaring off. A sudden flash of veilfire, a rift in the air, and several more women step out of the rend. One is red skinned, another has green eyes and long black hair, and the last has silver hair and a feral look to her*

Chalyss: Oh, Aerik! *she says it in a mawkish tone* We'd all like to /talk/ to you… bastard! *Aerik frowns, and Jerry is scrambling to find his notes on all the people showing up*

*A tall, slender figure gracefully approaches, with gold hair and dark eyes and lovely pointed ears. Lyeth screeches and wags a finger at him, eyes aflame with anger*

Whitefyre: /Nuh-uh!/ No way! Get /him/ out of here!

*Two very large bodyguards escort back out the pretty elfin male. He doesn't put up much of a fuss, except to offer a look of disdain at the humans surrounding him, and a knowing, delighted smile tossed over his shoulder at Lyeth. Chalyss kind of waves at the elf as he's lead away, Aerik smiles at him, and Contact looks very much like she wants to rip his throat out with her bared teeth*

*Jerry stares a moment at the one leaving, then turns his attention back to the stage, obviously confused*

Jerry: Who the hell was /that/?

*But no one answers as Scratch suddenly shouts out orders*

Scratch: Okay, people! /NOW/!

Contact: *at Scratch's words, she shouts, too* Kay den! Try fight! *her form of a command, it seems*

Waterweird: …..Nani….?

*From backstage there is a ruckus… suddenly dozens of R.UN.ners and GUARDians pour out onto the stage and join the fight. Warpole is still huddled, pouting, under the lone chair as explosions and screams echo around him. The studio catches fire, the cameras begin to fizzle. Everywhere is massive chaos as the opposing teams clash head-on*

Jerry: *yelling above the clamor* But wait! Hold it hold it hold it, we have one of our top Therapists here now to fix all this! RAZORSHRED, please come on in.

*Razor steps in grinning vindictively… EVERYONE gathered on the stage suddenly freezes in terror*

*A sign is hastily slapped up in front of the main camera, makeshift, but mostly legible. It reads: "Mutant hamster pimps and the hookers who love them, tomorrow on Jerry Springer!" Off-camera, shrieks and odd snapping sounds can be heard. Credits roll over cries for mercy and maniacal laughter*